The Sentence®2020

Donald Trump’s Crimes Against the English Language

(a 10-minute Play that will never end)

  by

   David L. Meth

                                                            ® All rights reserved 2020

 

 

SETTING:                                                      

Courtroom, Audience is the Judge and Jury

 

AT RISE:                                                        

Prosecutor, Donald Trump Cutout wearing TINA hat and earpiece, Witness Stand,  Desk,             Sounds of Trump busy on computer: Tweets, Texts, physical reactions.

 

VOICE (off stage) speaks.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, the man who stands before you is accused of violating basic human dignity and failing elementary critical thinking. With incessant middle school blather, repetitious 4th grade adjectives, broken grammar, infantile personal insults and the pathological ignorance of truth, he spurns education and science. This is language abuse in its most offensive form as the President of the United States narcissistically castrates democracy and suffocates the Constitution under the hood of white supremacy, racism and bigotry.

 

                                                            TRUMP

Nobody understands the Constitution better than me. It’s unbelievable. People tell me all the time: Donald, you understand more than anyone I’ve ever met. How do you know so much? Take a look at me. I’m healthy, wealthy and brilliant. If I insulted you, you’re probably a woman and ugly, a paraplegic, or Gold-Star veteran, maybe a sissy general. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

We have a megalomaniac beauty pageant stalker, Your Honor. Humpty Dumpty in a fat suit. A carnival barker selling vegetable choppers and feeding the Constitution into it. 

                                                            

                                                            TRUMP

The most stable genius in history. It’s not me talking. I get emails, texts. People stop me on the street and scientists say it: “You’re a genius.” You know it. I know it. We all do.

                                                                                                            

                                                            PROSECUTOR

For the first time in history we have a president who eats McDonald’s wearing a lobster bib and latex gloves at state dinners. Do we want our children to follow this example?

                                                            

                                                            TRUMP (interrupts)

Do you know how many followers are on my Twitter account? How many children tweet me every day in caps: YOU’RE AMAZING DONALD! I’m an economic genius. I make my ties in China so they can be converted into face masks. I love the Chinese. They love me. They have a Chinese virus. I have Chinese factories. But why should the Chinese take American jobs? A pox on them. I’m going to charge a tariff on every tie I make and import from China, and every shirt I make in Bangladesh. I didn’t want to say anything, because I didn’t want to scare the American people, but I knew a pandemic was coming. I closed a few disease, health, and pandemic departments to save money for ventilators.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

My first witness against President Trump’s flagrant evisceration of the English language is the great orator, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. whose words and dreams are carried forward today from his many protests, marches, arrests, imprisonments, and speeches. When Dr. King spoke, his words went to the heart. He is a true hero who …

                                                            TRUMP (interrupts)

Was killed. I don’t like people who were killed, captured, or put in cages. King, McCain, that Muslim Army Captain. His father was very nasty to me on TV after all my sacrifices. So I put a few thousand kids in cages. They’re safer now than where they came from.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

The legacy of Dr. King is undeniable …

 

                                                            TRUMP (interrupts)

Done. Over. I mean, look at the state of civil rights now. Is Civil Rights actually a state? You call him a winner? Put King on Celebrity Apprentice and I have only two words for him: You’re Fired! I mean what would he think of Black Lives Matter? Does it really matter? I’m not asking do black lives matter. It’s about the significance of does Black Lives Matter? Ask one of my African Americans. They  must be here somewhere. Oh, there's one holding a lantern by the cripple on the lawn in front of Mar Lago. Wave to the media. I think I have one in the White House somewhere. Where’s Sleepy Ben, what’s-is-name? Not a peep from him, thank God. Listen to him speak and you go into a coma.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

I’d like to call the esteemed leader, Winston Churchill, who helped us get through World War II and said: “What is the use of living, if it be not to strive for noble causes and to make this muddled world a better place for those who will live in it after we are gone?”

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Whisper some Churchill quotes in his ear.

 

                                                            TRUMP

Churchill also said: “There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.” Mexicans get the wall and I get the pussy. It’s a fact.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Churchill gave us other words to live by: “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.”

 

                                                            TRUMP (interrupts)

He also said: “It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also very important to be right.” And I’m always right. Or, as Churchill said: “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” And believe me, no one has more enthusiasm as me.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Churchill said, “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” And we, Mr. President, are quite sober. Your Honor I would like to ask the Pope to bear witness. He spoke to President Trump clearly: “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.”

 

                                                            TRUMP

I’m the most Christian person on earth. I’m not just saying this. People text me every day. They worship me in Israel. When I look in the mirror, I see a man half my age. I see one of the greatest leaders in the history of the world. And the Pope criticizes me?

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Next, I would like to call Muhammad Ali who said: "A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” He stood by his words and beliefs and put his life and profession on the line as a Muslim American to risk prison when he refused to be inducted into the military in protest of the Vietnam war.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I love Ali. He wasn’t always a Muslim. He used to be a real American. Then he dodged the draft. He said, “It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am." Ali came to my wedding when Melania and I were married. He knew who to go to for recognition. Ali gave me awards for greatness. I deserved them. Very impressive. I would have been a general if I had fought in Vietnam. But nothing compares to the virus war we’re in now. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Do you, Mr. President, consider yourself as great as Muhammad Ali?

 

                                                            TRUMP

No comparison. Ali had to fight for the same championship three times. I was born a champion. One battle: Me against 17 other candidates and I destroyed them. From the instant I stepped onto the stage, the presidency was inevitable. Who was I up against? The fat Jersey guy, blink-less in the TV lights? Total joke. Carly whatever. With that face? Give me a break. The screeching drag queen who was once Mayor of New York? Yanked his chain and he came running, heels and all. And then it came down to me and Crooked Hillary. Beat her until she cried and pounded on the floor. I am the change America has always wanted. Need another witness? Call Bob Dylan. Is there a person on earth who understands him more than me? No. He’s Stuck Inside A Mobile … “because the ragman draws circles up and down the block.” What the hell is he talking about? So they gave him a Noble Prize because he was revolutionary. The American people gave me America because, Your Honor, I am the revolution. Nobel Prize next.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, I’d like to call Bob Dylan for testimony.

 

                                                            TRUMP

He’s coming to take over as my new press secretary, maybe Senate Majority Leader. I’m busy, and that Nazi look alike who is my counsel has to get rid of immigrants. Can’t you just see him walking around the camps with a Jewish star on his arm and heavy club telling the Jews to line up? He’s been this way since high school. A man to my own heart.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

I call upon Daniel Webster. Please come to the witness stand.

 

                                                            TRUMP

Webster? I have his dictionary. Poorly written. Wouldn’t read it. Total disaster.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Time to put your hand further up this fucking idiot’s back. Have some of the morning show people on Fox kowtow to him. Feature a few women to claim they had sex with the witnesses. The prosecution has no case. Trump can’t commit a crime against a language he can barely speak. Dump some money into Republican PACs. We need some drama.

                                                            TRUMP

Call that great orator, Gary Bussey. Or the radio guy I gave the Medal of Honor to. 

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Does anybody know what he’s talking about? He’s got ADHD and he’s giving everyone else PTSD. He’s also planning hotels in Indonesia and Damascus, maybe the West Bank once the refugees are out of Syria or dead in the streets. Bail out more of his debt.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I love refugees. Not in my country. Terrorists. Killers. Rapists. Muslims. Mexicans. Out!

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Make sure he doesn’t bring up the Saudis. The royal families are going to be neutralized within five years by one of their own sons. Trump gets a new hotel: Trump Mecca. Co-sign for him. Involve his son-in-law. Maybe Jr., too. Why do I want to wash my hands?

 

                                                            TRUMP

How about Bin Laden? What took so long? Because We Didn’t Know What The Hell We Were Doing! In, out, over and done. What was there to think about? Next up, Iran. A pox on them, too. Get rid of these doctors who are perpetrating the “social distancing” hoax.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

He’s jeopardizing our uranium negotiations in Kazakhstan. It’s got to be done before the Russians reintegrate the country and the Chinese annex it from the other side. Let them blow each other’s asses off. So tell Trump to drop the John Wayne macho shit and go back to Tweeting. Send him a copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Get a white glove WASP lawyer so we can go out with dignity. He’s got enough Jews on staff for the grunt work. Need to balance out perception. Make the pandemic take the focus off this asshole. Have Trump accuse the Chinese. They accuse the Americans. Trump accuses the Dems.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to call to the witness stand Vladimir Putin …

 

                                                            TRUMP

A very strong leader. Did a great job of outsmarting us and rebuilding Russia’s image. A leader that I admire. It’s a great honor to call him my friend. Very highly respected within his own country. If people who criticize him disappear, there must be a reason. Where do they go? Our country does plenty of killing. Wait till people here start disappearing. The Russians hacked us? I personally called for the Russians to hack Hillary’s emails. Did anyone stop them? Did anyone stop me? The intelligence agencies are a joke. Look at what I do to journalists at press conferences. Enemies of the people. Does anyone care?

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, may I call my next witness?

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

He’s got a few billion dollars in hotel and investment debt to The Group. We saved his father’s ass during the FHA discrimination suit so Little Trumpy wouldn’t have to grow up in the Coney Island projects. Remind him that military academy doesn’t make him a general. Have Assange extradited and put into solitary before he releases Trump’s taxes.

                                                            PROSECUTOR

May I introduce the incomparable defender of civil rights, the Honorable Chief Justice Thurgood Marshall, who fought his whole life for freedom and justice and whose life and words helped define the Civil Rights era when he said: “Our whole constitutional heritage rebels at the thought of giving government the power to control men's minds.” 

 

                                                            TRUMP

Marshall? Who deputized him? Joe Arpaio? Great human being. Pardoned him easily.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

“Sometimes history takes things into its own hands.” Anyone have any detergent?

 

                                                            TRUMP

“Sometimes history takes things into its own hands.” That’s what Marshall said. It’s obvious what the country sees in me: I am history and you are in my hands. You’re my kind of people. Ordinary people just like me. I understand you. We’re going to make America great again because I am the future. Take some pre-tariff, virus free TINA hats.

Maybe some MAMA hats. Tell Marshall to go stand with King and Ali on the front lawn. Can’t wait to add that black rapper to my team. What’s his name? Sounds like an African country. I mean we’ve been good friends for years. Incredible person. I know incredible people. Except for the low-lifes in the House and the Senate. Who needs them? I say jump. They say how high? Where did they go to school? Let me see their transcripts. All right, let’s move on. I’ve got the work of the presidency to do. Israel’s been upgraded. I love the Jews. I do business with them every day. Some of my best Jews are lawyers and real estate developers. Jews love me because they know I’ll save Israel. They applaud me when I say they’re brutal killers at their own PACs. Trump Jerusalem, a 5-Star Hotel.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Kim Jung Un wants to be flown in to testify. His train doesn’t go in the air or on water. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

On behalf of the arts and freedom of speech, please welcome playwright, lyricist, actor and singer, Mr. Lin-Manuel Miranda and the entire cast of Hamilton.

 

                                                            TRUMP

The Puerto Rican? Is that country even a state? Is he legal? Vice President Pence saw the show: Washington, Jefferson, one of those statues ... I don’t know how he sat through it. Rapping with the founding fathers? Unimpressive. Look at the people who go to that show. Very rude. Nasty audience. Where were they raised, in an elevator? Your Honor, we must eliminate these artistic and intellectual types: playwrights, lyricists, journalists, writers, teachers, and other enemies of the people. I see very serious libel and slander charges. Maybe I’ll sue them for lying. Get me some new latex gloves and disinfectant.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Get the surrogates on CNN. Get that Puerto Rican, Ana Navarro thrown off early in the show. She doesn’t let anyone get away with anything. I don’t want to see Lawrence O’Donnell near him. He destroyed Pat Buchanan and wrote for West Wing. Give Trump some new words: “discourse, sedition, traitorous, proliferation, maybe  insurrection.” Make sure he can pronounce them. Push “Democracy haters” and “enemies of the people”. Get some blondes in tight dresses who interrupt and feign indignity. 

                                                            TRUMP

Writers and so-called reporters, the TV types who don’t love our country must be held in contempt of court. Political dramas are biased, divisive. They employ playwrights and poets who say whatever they want. The media is traitorous to the American way. A man I admire greatly once said: “Our job as Americans and as Republicans is to dislodge the traitors from every place where they've been sent to do their traitorous work.”

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

A quote by one of the most heinous miscreants ever to haunt one of the darkest periods of American history: Joseph McCarthy. Yet, he channels from the lips of Donald Trump.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Call upon your idol and go after the prosecutor. See if you can get the words “disparage” or “denigrate” out of your mouth without dribbling. Tell him what “miscreant” means.

 

                                                            TRUMP

How dare you denigrate one of greatest U.S. senators of all time! I call upon my friend and mentor, Roy Cohn, the most reviled attorney in America and silk panty cross-dresser who said: “I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.” And, Your Honor, I know who you are, where you live, and your grandchildren’s names. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

No citizen could get away with threatening a judge, Your Honor. He must be removed.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I don’t want immigrants and slaves reducing America to song and dance. What’s next? Abraham Lincoln doing the Charleston? And what’s he hiding in that hat? Half the cast of Hamilton is probably illegal. Did you hear them speak? These people have accents. Look at their faces closely. Has anyone seen their papers? Poetry is out of control in this country. It destabilizes our society. It creates lies and confusion and leads to insurrection. In a word: sedition. You didn't think I knew that word, did you? I went to Wharton.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

President Trump’s behavior is an anathema to this country built on the First Amendment and Freedom of Speech. There is no beauty or truth without writers, artists, and teachers. 

 

                                                            TRUMP

What do you call Twitter? A sonnet. Haiku. Pure beauty at 3AM. If it weren’t for Fake Truth we wouldn’t have any truth. That’s why America loves me. What’s an athema?

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

President Trump is an affront to every standard of the written and spoken word, human rights, and civilized society. He is disturbed, immature, and unfit to be President.

 

                                                            TRUMP (interrupting)

Yeah, like the Rockettes are civilized. Some refused to perform at my ignauguration and I didn’t invite them. Never wanted them. Who said it’s a tradition at the White House? Where is it written in the Constitution that the ignauguration has to be there? I want it at one of my hotels, with dinner. Add a monthly special at Mar Largo—reduced price for invited guests to the golf course. I need to cleanse myself of these kinds of people.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, he is tweeting and insulting the court. Put him in a glass isolation booth without his phone, yellow skin, and wig, in an orange jumpsuit. I feel violated.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Get one of the Kellyannes on the circuit. Nobody knows what’s up or down when they start talking. Anytime one of them is put on the spot, have them pretend to be offended, accuse the host of insulting the President, and walk off the set. 

 

                                                            TRUMP

The media are going to be sued for libel, fined, and imprisoned. Maybe water boarded. I’ll buy cable news and do real journalism in the tradition of that great journalist, Rupert Murdoch. Saw the documentary about it. Rosebud. Brilliant bio. That’s real fake truth.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

His incessant drivel is like a nervous tic. Get him a speech therapist and mouth wash.

 

                                                            TRUMP

We’re going to pass some big laws in Congress. Anyone working for the media will have to take a loyalty oath, punishable by indefinite detention and an unlimited fine for lying. Believe me, if you distort facts, spread propaganda, or threaten national security with an unapproved truth you will pay the price. Won’t be tolerated. As my friend, Roy Cohn, will tell you in his own words: “I don't write polite letters ... I like to fight.”

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Russia’s on the phone. They want more Trump time on cable news. Fox and a couple of fascists, several Republicans whose bullshit is irrepressible. Spin the wheel on CNN. Get that beauty from the NRA and that black minister, or a self-appointed black conservative who can see no racism in the President. Maybe a self-hating immigrant.

 

                                                            TRUMP

No press on my 757 to visit foreign leaders, play golf. Talk some shit over dinner where my wait staff can advise me. Tweets. Join Twits for Trump. New hats on the way from some dollar store country. Free at my campaign rallies. We must cleanse America.

 

                                                            VOICE  (off stage)

Avoid Bill Moyers or Ted Koppel. Chris Matthews—how did he suddenly get so stupid?  Thank God Tim Russert is not around. Give Trump another prompt before someone opens fire on his finances. Shift to the internment of Japanese Americans. Call that racist William Rehnquist to the stand. Add a few more words: “impeded, prerogative.” 

 

                                                            TRUMP

There is instability all around the world because of illegal immigrants. Not here. We need  barricades around the cities. Round up all the Muslims and Mexicans. Just because they were born in this country doesn’t mean they’re not Muslim or illegal. Revoke them!

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, have we learned nothing from the internment of Japanese Americans and the egregious violation of their human rights? Now President Trump wants to continue one of the greatest injustices in American history next to slavery. It is unconstitutional.

                                                            TRUMP

Okay. We’ll treat them right and give them a few bucks on their way out. I call Chief Justice William Rehnquist to read from his book, All the Laws but One: Civil Liberties in Wartime. He said there was “no physical brutality” to the Japanese Americans who were interned. If it’s good enough for the Japanese Americans, it’s fine for the Muslims. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

This is a massive violation of civil rights and can never happen again. If we lose our freedom, who are we? Your Honor, this is your time to make your mark on history.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I make history. “People have to get used to less freedom.” Rehnquist said it. Not me. Muslims will be required to register, list the mosques they attend, as well as their political and social affiliations: Close their Twit accounts. It is our civic duty to confiscate their phones and religious books, close down their schools, and forbid headscarves. Internment camps are essential for national security. Get them, restrain them, and detain them.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Get him off Muslims or the prosecutor will show videos of Trump saying things that he denies he said the next day. We can’t have this moron continually lying. Segue to Japan.

 

                                                            TRUMP

Maybe we’ll use Manzanar for the Muslims. It’s only appropriate. I think it’s a national historic site or a museum, or something. Not being used. I love the Japanese. Do business with them all the time. Actually, the emperor gave up his thrown. Come on. He waited this long? He started a war and lost. Fired! Maybe I’ll take over the real estate. Trump Imperial Palace. The Japanese Prime Minister twitted me that it would be perfect. He knows. When we’re attacked, we fight back and we fight hard. Shut off the media, and trust me: We’re getting rid of sanctuary cites as long as my office is on 57th Street and 5th Ave. I don’t want my country poisoned by refugees who came from other countries. American citizenship is not for everyone. Cleanse them. Detergent for all U.S. citizens! 

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Wait until his trigger-happy, minimum wage, alt-right, neo-Nazi pussy grabbers realize they’re getting nothing for their votes and Trump builds a whole new empire around them without them. Black lung disease—no health care; no jobs, no hourly raise, no union. No education. No job training. Nothing. A nation-wide infection. And they all have guns. We need a distraction. Spread the virus. Declare martial law. Call it a quarantine. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

I would like to call as a witness, KKK Grand Master David Duke, who endorsed Donald J. Trump with a Nazi salute and said that voting against him would be treason to our white nationalist heritage. Yet, President Trump did not repudiate his endorsement.

 

                                                            TRUMP

Don’t know him, never met him. Repudiate? What? You don’t think that I know what repudiate means? I know more words than William F. Buckley. A lot of big words. Get me some hand sanitizer, a spray can of Lysol, and Clorox wipes. Separate the fake news from the real fake news. Hand out cups of dish detergent to everyone to mix with water. 

Governor Pence make a toast to me. I am the greatest wartime president in history.

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, White House Senior Counsel, Kellyanne Conway, said that your critics should be careful about what they say. Mr. President, you are a public figure and, in the words of Ted Koppel when he interviewed Oliver North about Iran Contra on Nightline, you are “an accomplished liar.”

 

                                                            TRUMP

I don’t know Kellyanne Conway. Never met her. Ted who?

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

President Trump is a naked liar in an overcoat who exposes himself with every word.

 

                                                            TRUMP          

Your Honor, I would like call as a witness, and for those African Americans whose lives are miserable, my good friend, another King who said: “You sign an agreement; you make a contract, you live up to it. You never get what you deserve.” Mr. Don King.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

Is he out of his fucking mind? His son-in-law’s father is a convicted felon. Now another?

 

                                                            TRUMP

I’ve said it many times on many occasions to vendors and contractors I hire: You get much more than you deserve. Doing business with me is a privilege. It’s an honor to work for me. You bask in my shadow. Don’t ask to be paid by the King. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

The man who stands before you is a Reality Freak Show sewn together with threads of tweets, texts, and lies, like Frankenstein—the illegitimate child of the Electoral College.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I went to Wharton, a university, not a college. I was a great student, built a fortune—and unlike Obama. I was born here. Why does the media keep asking for my SAT scores and grades? But, as my friend, the great orator, Don King, said: “I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties.” In the words of my good friend Muhammad Ali, “I am the greatest!” I make magic lies and people ties. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, this man is the Wizard of Oz without the script or the curtain. He is the emperor without clothes and no one among the Republicans will tell him. He is not fit to continue in executive office or as Commander in Chief!

 

                                                            TRUMP

I AM TRUMP … the wartime president who can actually build a Yellow Brick Road. All gold. I have one at Mar Lago. Mexico will pay for it. Now, if I can get a few words in without being interrupted, I’d like to quote my good friend, Don King, again, a man like me, although I never did time in a penitentiary. He sums up my life in one short sentence: “I never cease to amaze myself. And I say this humbly.” Unbelievable. I’m a genius and I never cease to amaze myself. People say it every day. Did you hear my fascist puppet on CNN? He said I’m the most brilliant politician he’s ever worked for. When I’m re-elected for a third term after I postpone this election, he’s up for Under Secretary of State. 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Blood money lobbyists. Radical xenophobes. War mongering, profiteering billionaires, and downright ignoramuses. Right wing media mouths. These are not words, Your Honor. This is the President’s cabinet, administration and, as you know, picks for the courts, especially the Supreme Court—the only people who last more than two years.

 

                                                            TRUMP

I will drink from the swamp. That’s why I was elected. MAMA. I will Make America Mine Again! Jail the prosecutor. If you don’t like it, go back to where you came from. What’s your last name? How did your parents get into America? Let me see your license.

 

                                                            VOICE (off stage)

The Group is meeting tonight. Trump is starting to think he actually runs the country and his crush on Putin could force our hand. Shut down his Twitter account.

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

For my last witness, Your Honor, I call upon the great poet, Walt Whitman, who asks of President Trump: “Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?”

 

                                                            TRUMP

Disturbing. Very disturbing. My family and I take the executive office and the presidency very personally. You will witness changes unlike anything experienced in history. It’s going to be amazing. Incredible. I am going to do things that no one has ever done before. And all from my executive penthouse on 5th Ave. and at Mar Largo because I know more than the politicians, the economists, the generals, and the scientists. I know fucking everything. Foreign leaders call me. Experts call me. I get tweets and texts all the time. 

 

                                                            PROSECUTOR

Donald J. Trump is violating our Constitution and destroying our language and culture. He is incapable of telling the truth. Therefore, I appeal to your sense of justice and impartiality in the name of the American conscience, Your Honor. I ask for the maximum sentence of solitary confinement with a McGuffey’s Reader and 8 hours a day of remote lessons with a Teacher of English as a Second Language. All phone, email, texts, tweets, and access to social media blocked for defiling his office and uglifying words. 

 

                                                            TRUMP

Remove this America hater. Lay him out and take him out. I’ll pay all costs. To all my billions of supporters here and abroad—you know who I’m talking to—you are witness to the most unbelievable change in history and, believe me, I’m going to revise it and change it. I’ll be up on Mt. Rushmore yesterday. In the words of a great leader and my very amazing best friend, Russia’s supreme leader for life, Vlad the Great!: “We don't need a weakened government but a strong government that would take responsibility for the rights of the individual and care for the society as a whole.” And I, Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America for the next eight years, probably more, promise to take responsibility for all individual rights in our great country and take care of my supporters. Enemies of the people and losers, you know who you are and I’m coming for you! So read my hat … TINA! This Is Not America! Trump Is Now America! Chief Justice Kavanaugh, what is your verdict? Let us raise our cups and drink!

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